A Message To My Friends....

I know that many of my friends on FB and Twitter are probably wondering if I have gone insane.  The answer to that would be, temporarily! Many of my postings after Kevin died were filled with anger and bitterness and then I hit a low where I was no longer angry, just sad.  I just haven't had it in me to fight anymore.  Talking politics was the way Kevin and I started our mornings over a cup of coffee.  Without him, it didn't seem important anymore.

I have spent most of my time these past months sitting on the back porch staring out onto the property.  (It is still hard for me to believe that almost a half a year has passed, it still feels like yesterday) Asking why, crying a lot and trying to find a glimpse of Kev in the sky, the tree's, the animals or anything around me.  I have spent most of my time trying to wipe out the memory of that last day, the guilt, the sadness, the unbelief and the horrible pain it left in my heart.

I have taken sleeping pills just to sleep for a few hours, pain pills thinking it would ease the pain, numerous anti-acids pills just to keep my chest from hurting and nausea pills to make this sick feeling go away but nothing has helped...

I tried keeping myself so busy that I wouldn't have time to think about him but when the dark comes, so do the floods of thoughts and anguish.  I try to create to keep my mind off of the loss, to keep myself from drifting into that dark place but Kev was my biggest fan.  He always said this one is even better then the last.  It didn't matter if I was creating bowls, trash art or crocheting, he always cheered me on and I could see the pride in his eyes.  He made me feel like I had a talent to turn anything into something special and I knew he loved me because he saw what others didn't and now creating doesn't bring as much happiness as it once did.

Last week, I woke up to an email from our friend Curtis McDermott and I found myself smiling and I realized that at one point I had even chuckled out loud.  I had packed and unpacked Kev's clothes several times, but that day I packed them up in tubs and realized the next morning that I have not felt the need to unpack them.  With that I packed his ashes away in a trunk that will be going to Colorado with me and I felt a feeling of peace come over me.

Now to the part that many of you may not understand who are not FB friends with me...I have been posting for a few days something to make others smile or even laugh and I have realized that I can finally hear the laughter through your "likes" and your comments.  Each day my smile has become more real and my laughter more often.

Kev always made me laugh and I know that the only way I can truly feel him again, find him again, is through the laughter.  I know that the only way I can smile again, laugh again is to find it in others, to make others smile and laugh so until it becomes a true part of my life again, I will continue to do this and with the smile, with the laughter will come the passion to fight again.  I know that when I do have the strength to fight again, it will be for Kev, it will be a fight for Health Care For All! I will fight to remind Congress that no one should die because they cannot afford Health Care! 

To all of my friends and family who have supported me, comforted me, listened to me and stuck it out through my anger and my grief....Thank you!-Mem

UPDATE: July 26th, 2012.  I had to close my twitter account and start over so I have misplaced over 5000 followers.  I hope if you see this we can connect again.  I am now under Political Scrapbook.   I am also back in Colorado and so is Kev.  I am healing and so happy to be near my parents again.  When it's my time then Kev and I's ashes will be made as one and we will begin our journey again...together!