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| We both loved Halloween and dressing up! |
It's been about four months now since my husband Kevin died and I still relive that moment over and over again in my mind. I think back to a time when life didn't seem so difficult and to a man that had done everything right as a father, husband and as an American. He worked hard throughout his adult life, paying taxes, paying into SSI and building a retirement fund for when he grew old. He gave to the poor, helped his neighbors, took care of his aging father and did right by and loved his daughter Lauren as she grew to be a woman. He loved and helped my children and was a good grandfather to Selah, a good son, brother and an amazing friend to everyone including me.
We were so different in many ways and yet our differences and our common interest brought us together every morning for coffee and conversation before we began our day. Our conversation always started with politics and the hope of change because doing everything right did not make a difference in the end.
In Bush's last month in the White house, Kevin lost his job, much of his retirement, his health insurance and his faith in The American Way Of Life. Our story became like many others in America and we struggled to keep our head above water. Jobs were no longer available, especially for our age group. Just like many others in this Country we used our savings (what was left after the Bush crash) just to survive. Kevin worked hard on the house so that we could sell it but the last few years had been hard on him. His blood pressure had become dangerously high and the stress he felt during this time was overwhelming to him. They changed his meds several times, ran some test and wanted him to see a heart specialist but the money was coming out of our pockets and it was running low so he put it off, thinking things would get better....
Everything is some what of a blur now but I did not sleep from June 1st thru June 3rd while sitting beside his hospital bed. At night when everyone else had finally gone I would lay my head on his hand and weep...that's all I really remember is just weeping quietly because even though I was hoping, praying....I knew he was not there anymore and I knew this sadness would always be a part of my life.
I know that my time in our home is limited so the other day I began to fold your clothes and pack them away. (I lose my breath every time I open the door to your closet) With every piece of clothing I would hold it to my face, just to see if your scent was still there before tucking it safely into the box. BUT I couldn't do it. I took each piece from the box and hung it back on the hanger, careful not to disturb this life I've come to know. I found that spot, the impression still left on the bed where you laid each night and I laid down as I drifted to another time, your arms wrapped securely around me and I wept.
I'm not sure if the grieving process is suppose to happen in an orderly manner but I became angry very quickly. Most of that anger came from knowing that he did not have to die. If we had still had health insurance they could have fixed the blockage in his heart. If he would have had the means and the freedom to go to a specialist he would still be a live. He was afraid that the medical cost would cause us to lose everything we had, not knowing that the cost of his death would be $126,000 and break my heart!
I think my anger really took hold a few days after I came back home. The medical bills and the air flight bill arrived before I even got a death certificate or his ashes. I couldn't even wrap my mind around this. It's a moral crime that we have a Party Of No who fights for the rich and followers who cheer "Yes! Let Him Die!"
Sad indeed. When all was well, income flowing, it was okay to be a republican. Once reality set in what the government would NOT cover, it becomes a whole new ballgame. They could care less as long as their kids go to Ivy League universities, they have huge homes with all comforts, stash their money in Offshore accounts, and wonder what the 'poor people' are doing...NOT! Our husbands and spouses worked all their lives for hospital, medical, home, care and health insurance. When we need it the MOST...it is the hospital, nursing home, funeral home, state and federal taxes can take whatever remaining. Most times you shake your head and wonder why you lived your life that way. Instead, live day-to-day, enjoy your good healthy while it lasts. Love those closest to you, and forget about the rest!
ReplyDeleteWell said Jean and I agree!
DeleteI remember that despicable Republican presidential debate two years ago with the people in the audience yelling "Let 'em Die". The "Let Em Die" Republicans... and yet people support these characters and want ObamaCares, which will help so many who are uninsured as your husband was, to go away.
ReplyDeleteI'm so, so disgusted with the Republicans and the American people who support them tonight.
It's sad but these people are no longer my fathers Republican Party. They are the Koch Brothers Party! The teapublicans. They are among the poor who are losing everything and yet they fight their butts off for the rich. They are SO blinded by their hate for a black President that they would rather be homeless and starving. They no longer care about their children's future because they have been poisoned by the hate and fear mongering of Fox, Hannity, Limbaugh and those like them. The religious right is being deceived right into hell!
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