Barack, Do You Think We Could Just Be Friends?

by Darin Murphy-Huffington Post

Dear Barack,

First of all let me just say that I am, like, your biggest fan, oh my God! I absolutely love watching you speak and I'm moved every time I hear or see you. There is no one I'd rather see in the White House than you. However, I'm afraid I just can't support you anymore in light of recent things I've learned about you that I didn't know before. First and foremost, you are...how should I say this...black. At first I didn't think you were. You were so articulate and clean and well spoken that I just naturally assumed you were like me. So imagine how shocked and sad I was to find out otherwise!

I've also found out that not only are you a person of color, but your pastor is, too! That means, like, two black guys in the White House. After all, what your pastor says is what you say, is it not? And he said some bad things about America. Now I know what you're gonna say. "Well look, Republican pastors like Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell and Ted Haggert and John Hagee have said and done some deplorable things." But in all fairness, those guys are, y'know, white. So they should be given the benefit of the doubt, don't you think? 'Course you do.

Now I used to judge candidates on which one I'd like better if I could have a beer with them. But I don't drink anymore so I don't support anyone who does (that leaves out Hilary, aren't you glad?!) What I'm really looking for is someone who can beat me in a fried Twinkie eating contest. Anyone who can do that has my respect. But I hear you don't much go for junk food. Now that term in itself is an oxymoron. I can't support anyone that won't eat my kinda food. I mean, how can you eat all that healthy crap? It's so European. And Europeans are bad; that's why we left, remember?

I've also found out that you're not fond of wearing an American flag pin on your lapel. C'mon! I mean, America's your team; your gang. Shouldn't you wear the colors at all times? I know what you're gonna say, Ronald Reagan didn't wear one either and neither do your opponents. But again, their skin tone is one third of the colors of the flag and that's good enough for me.

I've also heard people say that you're a Muslim. I know, I know, everyone by now knows about that Christian church you attend. But still, how is a name like Barack Hussein Obama going to stand up in history alongside a William Jefferson Clinton, John Quincy Adams or a Franklin Delano Roosevelt? I mean, what will our great grand kids think? And I won't be around to defend you!

Like I said before, honestly, I like you. A lot. More than all the other candidates you're running against. But I'm just not ready for someone so different than me in every way to be running my country. You sure are inspiring, though, which gives me an idea. You ever consider hiring yourself out as a public speaker? You could make a killing doing that; you're so entertaining. Dude, you'd be like a rock star without the rock! And as your number one fan I'll be right in the front row. By the way, can I have your autograph for my niece? Her name's Betty.

Sincerely,

The Good Ole' U.S.A.